[00:00:00] Welcome to today's TLC. Whether you found this podcast on my website, through the emails I send, or simply from a friend, I'm glad that you've decided to add some TLC today.
[00:00:16] Welcome today! I have something personal that I want to share with you that's really important to me. There was a time in my life where my brother said to me, "It really feels like you fell off the face of the Earth for like two years." And guess what? He was right. I did.
[00:00:34] Two years after I was married, I knew something was really wrong. I had studied family life and saw what a healthy family looked like. And my marriage did not have the ingredients for a healthy family.
[00:00:46] We were in college, surrounded by a bunch of newly married couples that looked like they were so madly in love and in this picture perfect world. And I felt like a fraud. I had put on this face that we were a power couple, I was part of a leadership team, my husband was working at this place called the missionary training center— a job that the people in the area really looked up to and a lot of them wanted and didn't get. People would look at us and say, "You two are so awesome! We want to be like you." But inside, I felt like running away.
[00:01:20] I felt so much shame, because I knew that something was wrong.
[00:01:25] My friends would say to me, "How are you doing?" And I'd plaster a smile on my face and say, "I'm doing great," but inside I was crying. I knew if I really said what I was feeling, I would burst into tears and feel so embarrassed.
[00:01:41] That's why I started to hide and fell off the face of the Earth, like my brother said, because I didn't want to have that feeling where on the surface everything had to look fine but inside I was feeling so hurt.
[00:01:56] Have you ever felt that way before? Where you thought that you needed to hide from the world?
[00:02:01] I remember this moment where I was so overwhelmed by emotion and I picked up a towel and I was trying to say the name of a towel. Just say the word towel to my husband and I couldn't remember what it was called. I looked at it and I just felt my brain shut off and my heart shut off. It was like, "you don't have access to anything. You can't even remember a word." It was such a dark place and so overwhelming.
[00:02:29] Then I got pregnant. And, you know, pregnancy tends to take whatever is already there and just blow it up like a million percent. When that happened, we decided we probably should go to a therapist because this isn't working. My baby was two weeks old when we started an intense therapy program. I'm so grateful for what I learned there, but it was like a fire hose to the face. My eyes were open to all of the unhealthy patterns that I'd picked up from my life, from the unhealthy family dynamic from my childhood, to the relationships I had been in, and the beliefs I'd picked up along the way. It was seriously like drinking from a fire hose.
[00:03:05] And my shame kept telling me, "Stay strong. Don't let people in. Don't tell people what's going on." But the truth was—I needed more support.
[00:03:16] The therapist was helpful and I'm so grateful for the information I got there, but it wasn't just the therapist that changed my life in that phase. It was the support people that were around me that helped pick me up when I felt like a puddle on the floor.
[00:03:35] We do not have to go through hard things alone. God put us on this earth in a way that we naturally gravitate towards people. He put us in families, church groups, relationships —natural connections that draw us together so that we don't have to do it alone. But for some reason, we tell ourselves that if we need support we're broken.
[00:03:58] And I just want to challenge you right now to let go of that lie.
[00:04:02] Support is a beautiful gift that we have.
[00:04:06] Use it, my friends! We need support. Even if you're not going through the dark times, like I was or even if you've been through dark times and you're now in a place where you feel like you're okay in the everyday life. I promise you, you will amplify your ability to learn and grow and thrive by a million percent, if you are willing to just open up and ask for support.
[00:04:31] So what type of support do we need?
[00:04:35] Over the last decade of helping people, I have found that there are three essential pillars of support: educational, personal, and spiritual.
[00:04:46] Educational support is where you find out the things that you don't already know. So for me, when I was in my family growing up, I didn't have a very good example of a healthy marriage relationship. So, I needed to go get educated about what that looked like.
[00:05:03] I could have just gone and read a bunch of books and listened to some podcasts. But here's the problem when we only have educational support, it often comes with information that doesn't agree (either with your values or with the other information that you found). And It leaves you a little bit confused or not knowing whether it's even a good thing to do. Then it's usually so general that it's hard to know how to apply it to you.
[00:05:28] That's when you take the need for educational support to the next level; where you get somebody who is specifically trained to educate you in that area—like a therapist that knows how to heal from trauma or overcome addiction or diagnose mental illness.
[00:05:44] Now here's why this is tricky, your brain has a bunch of beliefs that filter what your learning to fit in the boxes that you already believe. Sometimes when you're in therapy, you don't have as much of a radar for the beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
[00:05:58] That's when I find that coaching support is so powerful.
[00:06:03] It helps you know your brain, your feelings, and your patterns that are keeping you stuck while you're trying to apply the educational resources that you've found— resources that are all super helpful.
[00:06:16] Whether you're getting educational support by consuming content, or getting specifically trained by somebody like a therapist, or you're doing more maintenance and structure work with a life coach, there is no right or wrong way to find educational support. It just depends on where you're at. And honestly, we usually mix and match them. Many of my clients, as a life coach, are also working with a therapist and reading a self-help book.
[00:06:45] The way you need educational support is unique to you. The important thing is that you're proactively finding ways to get that support.
[00:06:56] Personal support is when you have friends, family, people in your everyday life who are showing up to love you and support you in your day-to-day humanity.
[00:07:06] Because guess what? When we start becoming more educated about mental and emotional health, it can be a lot and you can be left thinking "Am I, the only one who's like this?"
[00:07:19] But if you have personal support, people that can say "Oh man, I totally feel that way too." It normalizes the ups and downs of life. It lets it be more like a human journey and that's totally okay. It's not just, okay—it's expected.
[00:07:36] It also gives you the opportunity to share what you learn and teach it to the people you care about. Because when you learn something, that's super cool, thats changing your life, you kind of want to share it with other people, right? So, when you have that personal support, people who are willing to listen to you and brainstorm with you and help you with your goals, you will put what you are learning into your subconscious while you're teaching and that will make you naturally practice it in your life. That's what we really want. Right? We want to learn these things and be able to naturally do them.
[00:08:06] So why are we all not finding the personal support that we need?
[00:08:10] Well, It can be vulnerable, but if you know anything about Brene Brown, vulnerability is power. There's a lot a lot of research that says that if you're willing to open up and connect with people, trusted people that you love, then you have better mental and emotional health. You have more courage to go through the ups and downs of life.
[00:08:32] As you let go of trying to control the image of what other people think of you—like I was doing before I went to therapy—it gives you space to finally find your true self.
[00:08:47] Your true self—not the self that you think you need to put up there as the image for everybody to think is perfect, because that's garbage.
[00:08:53] As you vulnerably connect to your true self and share with the people around you, you will have better relationships.
[00:09:02] Do you remember my brother who said I fell off the face of the Earth? He told me that while we were walking through a grove of trees that was near my old house and we were sharing some of the struggles that we had both been through to try to create a healthier marriage.
[00:09:19] And I will tell you my friends, that is one of the most cherished memories I have with my brother. When I vulnerably said: "I fell off the face of the earth for two years because I was scared." and he said, "I get it. I'm scared too. Let's work together."
[00:09:37] Instant connection.
[00:09:39] That "me too" gives instant connection, courage, and hope for both of the people that are sharing. Because we have more in common than we think.
[00:09:51] I honestly think that when we get to heaven, we are going to look back and say, "Holy cow! You had those same emotional experiences I did, even though we had completely different lifestyles!" We all experience emotion and if we're willing to share that with people it creates amazing things.
[00:10:09] Okay, I'll get off my vulnerability soap box and let's do a quick recap:
[00:10:14] Educational support will expand your knowledge. Personal support will expand your connection, your courage, and your growth. And when you start finding that type of support, you will have more space for the spiritual support that will expand your soul.
[00:10:33] Spiritual support can often be fueled by religious leaders or mindful practices or even a spiritual mentor, but at the core of spiritual support is your relationship with God.
[00:10:47] When you're purposefully seeking spiritual support, you have extra strength that is not yours.
[00:10:54] When you start thinking, " I don't know what to do here." Spiritual support says " You don't have to, because God knows." Or when you think "I just can't do this. I'm out of strength." When you have adequate spiritual support, you have things reminding you. He'll show you how.
[00:11:15] Here's an example. I had a dear friend of mine that I went through a really painful fallout with. It honestly was some of the hardest months of my life and I remember a moment where I just felt like I had given every inch, every centimeter, every speck of love that I had left for her. I had tried and tried, and my spirit was just wrung dry of anything else I had to give her.
[00:11:42] Then I went somewhere with my family, that I knew she was going to be and I was literally in a panic. I remember praying, "God, I just don't have anything else to give and I don't want to be in anger or in resentment or in pain. I just want to be able to love her, but I don't have any of it left."
[00:12:01] I sought that spiritual support from the source of love... and guess what message I received?
[00:12:09] "You don't have to have it come from you. I love her. All you have to do is let my love flow through you."
[00:12:19] And my friends, can I tell you it was one of the most empowering moments of my life to be able to look at the face of the woman who I felt had dried up all of the love that I had and feel an overwhelming flow of love from God through me to her. It was tangible. And it changed me that day knowing that I didn't have to create love for anyone I just needed to use God's love. He already had my back. He was supporting me.
[00:12:54] And He will support you too. As you strive to get that spiritual support—you pray, you study the word of God, you invite the guidance of the Spirit on a day-to-day basis—you will be guided to the support that you need, the personal support, the educational support, the teachers, therapists, coaches, mentors, friends, the ones that will really support you if you open up to that.
[00:13:19] I promise that you will find the support that you need.
[00:13:23] You are worth supporting.
[00:13:27] God wants to support you. Friends and family want to support you. People who dedicate their life to sharing knowledge want to support you. Like me. I want to support you too! My passion is creating things that will help support you because I believe in you.
[00:13:47] Please, please get the support that you need! Not because you're needy, but because you're human and we all need support and it's a beautiful thing.
[00:13:59] So take a moment and breathe.
[00:14:04] Think about what support you need right now in this phase of your life.
[00:14:09] Do you need more educational support? Maybe there's a class you could take. Maybe it's time to book with a therapist or a life coach to help you heal and learn things that you can't do by yourself.
[00:14:22] Maybe the support you need right now is more personal, like a friend you need to connect with or even a new friendship that you might need to create or a family member that might take a little bit of vulnerability for you to share what's going, but could deepen your connection with them.
[00:14:40] And lastly, no matter what you do I hope you will find ways to reinforce your spiritual support, because that is what will guide everything else. Pick one small thing here, whether it's talking to a religious leader or connecting with a spiritual mentor and just sharing your heart. Maybe it's getting on your knees tonight and thanking God for being there as your support and asking what else He would have you do.
[00:15:11] If you know anything about the way that I coach, I don't want you to try and do all of these at once, because if you do, you're going to feel overwhelmed and not do any of them. Just pick one.
[00:15:22] Just pick one simple thing that you want to do to add to your support today.
[00:15:27] Because you deserve to shine.
[00:15:30] I know what it feels like to hide in that dark place and pretend like you are okay. Please don't fall off the face of the earth! You don't have to hide. You don't have to be perfect.
[00:15:43] I promise that you can find the support that you need.
[00:15:48] The support that you deserve.
[00:15:51] Life after therapy can be simple. Come learn how to think, light feel light, and live light at www.thelightcoach.com. I offer five free discovery sessions each week and one of them is for you. Together, let's discover the joy that's possible. In life after therapy.
