110 - Friendship & Appropriate Intimacy
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[00:00:00] Stephanie - Overdub: Hello my friends, and welcome to another episode of Radiant You. I have a little teenage inner me confession. When I was a young girl, I used to write in my journal to Anne of Green Gables because so desperately I wanted a bosom buddy. And for those of you who are familiar with Anne of Green Gables, you'll know that her soul just longed for that friend that would be there for her and love the things that she loves and step in as that best friend that every girl wants. And if you don't know Anna of Green Gables, you should check it out because it's classic old school.
[00:00:38] But as a teenage girl, I never really felt like I had that friend. And so I would write letters in my journal to her and tell her about how hard my family life was and how lonely I felt And how desperately I wished that she was real. Then as I got a little older, I shifted and actually started writing those letters to my future husband instead of to Ann because my priorities started to change, right? I was thinking about how maybe my future husband could be that instead of this fantasy girl that would be my best friend.
[00:01:11] Little did I know that that shift way back then was trying to teach my soul something that I wouldn't learn for decades to come. I want to share some of that lesson with you just in case you either haven't learned it, need a reminder, or there's someone in your life that you can share this lesson with to help them realign their relationships in healthier ways.
[00:01:33] *As always, our ultimate goal here is to increase your self awareness so you can build that inner self confidence and create more tangible self love in your life and in your relationships.*
[00:01:45] To set the stage for this lesson, I want to share a conversation I recently had with a teenage girl who's in the middle of all of the drama of trying to find good friends. There's a girl that she's just been giving and giving and giving to that she feels is not reciprocating the level of investment that she's giving into the relationship. She feels like she's not really showing up for her or putting her as a priority. Other things are getting in the way and it's hard not to take that personally.
[00:02:12] Have you ever had a relationship like that where you feel like it's super one sided and you wish that they would hold up their end of the deal? Because if they did, then maybe you'd have that connection you've always really wanted... I Know that I've experienced that. And my heart goes out for this teenage girl trying to figure out how to be a friend and how to have a friend.
[00:02:33] But I couldn't help but share with her a life lesson that happened to me when I was struggling with one of my closest friends in my twenties. You see, we had kind of a falling out where there was some tension that happened and we both kept trying and trying and trying to resolve the relationship.
[00:02:49] But it seemed like no matter what we did, it could not heal. We ended up parting ways because it was so hard and emotionally taxing to try and make the relationship work.
[00:03:00] Three years later, a leader in my church gave a call to end any conflict in our lives. He said, "Exercise the humility, courage, and strength required both to forgive and seek forgiveness." And when he said this, I knew that I needed to call that friend. It had been so long. I didn't want to go through it again and didn't want to open up old wounds. But I reached out to her and I realized that what I could say sorry for and ask forgiveness for was to say, "I'm sorry. I couldn't be the friend that you wanted me to be. I wish I could have been there in the way you wanted me to be there, but I didn't have that capacity and I'm sorry that you didn't get the support you wanted."
[00:03:47] And I didn't expect her to show up in any certain way, but what she said in response changed my view of friendship. And this is the lesson that I've been learning ever since and want to give you today. She said, "Thank you for saying sorry. I'm sorry that I was trying to make you an intimate partner when that's something you never could have been for me."
[00:04:13] When she said that, it all clicked. I realized that we were trying to create intimacy that was not appropriate for a friendship. That level of intimacy belongs between a husband and a wife, or between you and God.
[00:04:31] And sometimes we expect our friends to show up in these unrealistic ways that we just wish they could fill that spot in our heart, but it's not for them to fill.
[00:04:42] Even though that desire for intimate connection is beautifully, divinely created. It cannot be filled just by friendship. And we had been trying to create the thing that was not creatable.
[00:04:56] Both of us found peace, healing, and were able to move forward in a way that felt refreshing when we realized we both were apologizing for trying to make friendship into something that it couldn't be.
[00:05:09] *Now, here's where I invite you to reflect. In your life. Is there a relationship that you have, friendship or spouse, that you are turning to expecting that hole in your heart to be filled when maybe it's not their role to fill it?*
[00:05:27] Yes, I believe that especially women need friendships to go through the hard things, to lift each other up, to find that joy in the journey that we're all on, on this earth, trying to figure out together. You need friends. And I'm so grateful that God has put in me and you and all the other women in this world, a desire to connect and lift.
[00:05:49] *But that ability to connect gets soured and struggles when we try and force an intimate level relationship on a friendship. Your friends cannot be the bottom line for you. That has to be God.*
[00:06:08] It has to be your Divine Creator who fills that space. Then when you have that sort of relationship with God, the next person in line is your spouse. They're the person who is able to hold that intimate space with you. God created Eve out of Adam's rib to be next to Adam so that they can walk together, hand in hand, arm in arm, connected and in sync. No other person in your life can fill the role of what a true intimate spouse should be.
[00:06:43] Now, it breaks my heart because I know how many of you listening don't have that in your life. From a young age through my teenage years, I watched my mother go through three different relationships that were not intimately supportive. And it brings so much sorrow to my soul and God's soul when a man and a woman don't have the space to truly be helpmates, equally yoked together in righteousness.
[00:07:07] And I pray for that for you. But again, I remind you that the number one person is not your spouse. It's God. He's the one who has that eternal, unconditional love that no human being can do. He's the only one capable of being the full energy of that Anne of Green Gable's desire to be that bosom buddy. That is your Father in Heaven who fill that space.
[00:07:36] So when you find yourself longing for that friend that will be there for you, that will fully understand you and put you first and accept you exactly where you're at, have compassion for yourself that that is a naturally divine feeling.
[00:07:52] Your spirit wants to communicate and connect in a way that this mortal experience limits your ability to do. Think about it up in heaven before we had the limitations of this world, your ability to connect with other people and communicate with other people was so pure and divine. And then we come on this earth, which we're here to learn and grow from so it's a good thing, but we come down to this earth and it gets muddy. We write out our words that may or may not actually be what we're feeling and then expect someone else to pick them up and understand them better than we even probably understand ourselves.
[00:08:28] We hand people a manual and say, "Here's how to be my friend. Here's how to be my spouse. Here's how to make me happy. And we hang all our hopes and our dreams and our desires on unreliable human people. They cannot fulfill those needs for you.
[00:08:44] *We have to get back to the place of recognizing that our first intimate relationship is with our own Creator.*
[00:08:52] And that even our Creator doesn't do it alone. How many times has God put somebody in your life that helps lift you when you need it? Or bring along a song or a memory or some sort of blessing that helps you recognize his hand. He relies on the things and the people around you to help lift you.
[00:09:13] *If you are turning to one person for your intimacy, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Your spouse cannot be that for you. Your friends cannot be that for you. You have to receive that from God.*
[00:09:28] As I've been contemplating what to share with this teenage girl that I've been supporting, I keep hearing myself say, "Friendship is good. But don't put all of your desire for intimacy into one person. We need diversity in our support." Yes, we need friendships but at that vulnerable teenage age, she's not even ready for an intimate relationship yet.
[00:09:53] *So whether you know a teenager that's struggling or whether you're a teenager at heart that hasn't learned this lesson yet, remember that true friendship does have its place, but it's not appropriate to expect a friend to be an intimate partner. Instead, partner with your Creator.*
[00:10:14] And as you practice being able to do that with Him, you'll have more space to be able to do that your own spouse someday. And if you're married right now, the most powerful thing you can do to strengthen intimacy in your relationship is to turn to God and strengthen your intimacy with Him first. He knows your heart. He knows how to show up for you unfailingly. He knows how to have your back and how to teach you to have it within yourself. Because if you're turning to things outside of yourself to find that stability, it's only temporary.
[00:10:54] But it's okay. God has your back and you can learn to have your own back and create a diverse pool of people to help support you along the way.
[00:11:04] My friend, I wish with all my heart that I could sit with you and give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone and that your desire for that bosom buddy beautiful desire. But you don't need it to feel loved, happy, or stable.
[00:11:21] Check in with your friendships. What are you expecting of them?
[00:11:27] Check in on your relationship with your spouse, if you're married. Are you expecting them to be the only person to meet all of your needs?
[00:11:35] And check in with your connection with God. Are you allowing Him to guide you to know who to bring in your life to have a balance of intimacy in sustainable, healthy ways?
[00:11:48] I hope this episode increases your self awareness so that you can provide that support for yourself or your loved ones who want to build that inner self confidence and find more love for yourself because you're not looking for it in places that cannot provide it for you.
[00:12:06] You deserve to have good friendships that are there for you and are fun and enjoyable. And I hope you know that you are not alone on this journey.
[00:12:17] If you ever need a friend, send me a message. I'd love to hear your heart and support you in any way that I can.
[00:12:23] But first and foremost, remember the only one who can eternally be there for you consistently and reliably is God.
[00:12:34] And He is so ready to be your bosom buddy.
[00:12:39] Have a blessed day, my friend.
[00:12:41] You are radiant and God wants you to remember that truth. But sometimes you forget. Don't worry, I've got you. I've created some free resources that will help you live lighter and shine brighter. Check out my show notes for the links.
[00:13:01] However, God guides your next steps, know that you are not alone on this journey I can't wait to see how you discover a more radiant you.
